3 July Wednesday

Sounds like the title of a great comedy of manners, from the early 1930’s say. The son of a wealthy railroad magnate falls for a girl from the other side of the tracks. He manages to hide this fact from his folks until a festive society breakfast when she orders her eggs in a way not recommended at finishing school. Gasps are heard, pearls are clutched. Hilarity and mis-identities happen until the last five minutes of the film when suddenly and for no other reason a man in a pith hat appears and announces that our gal is actually a direct descendant of the House of Hanover, she’s worth billions and the problem is over.

But the problems are just beginning. After the reels are back in the can, Mr. and Mrs. will share a lifetime of awkward breakfast orders. Now since the permissive 60s, people can order their eggs any style, without shame. So, I can ask this question without hesitation, How do you like your eggs?

Most people who make eggs at home scramble them. Many take the position that if you destroy the yolks on purpose, it will save the heartbreak of watching them break on accident later. For some reason, I am very picky about the quality of scrambled eggs. First, they must be a uniform pale yellow. If you can see the lines of white and yolk separately, it means the preparer is weak and apathetic. If the eggs are overcooked and bounce on the plate, the preparer is worrisome and apathetic at the same time. If some of the eggs are overcooked and some of them are raw, the preparer is not interested in cooking and is trying to teach you you’re not worth it. You are worth it, and all of the above can hit the road. We can learn a lot of subtly annoying things about our partners, families, and friends by the way they screw up their eggs. Paradoxically, scrambled eggs are easy to goof up in the cooking, whereas another technique that is regarded as “difficult” is actually hard to get wrong. I am talking about poaching.

I have even been to diners here in the city of San Francisco where they will not allow you to order poached eggs because the cook doesn’t make them. Is that nuts? There are all sorts of gadgets and tools meant to help you poach easier which I don’t understand because making poached eggs is one of the easiest things to do. In addition, it is the most healthy way to eat eggs as there is no added fat in the cooking process. Hard boiled eggs I don’t consider eggs in a way, not like you know, breakfast eggs.

Too much, much too much in fact, is made of egg poaching technique. It’s simple. A pan of simmering water, a slotted spoon, an egg. Crack the egg into the slotted spoon to get rid of the excess water, tip the spoon into the simmering water about three minutes, then remove.

There are two poached eggs cooked exactly as I described, peppered with pepper atop a glistening mound of polenta. It’s funny, the line of polenta between the eggs looks like a little nose. If this were on a menu, I’d called it Martian’s bowl.